to know you all wrong

i havent done much today. i woke up and its been smooth sailing since then. showering, writing thank you letters and crocheting while watching Vanilla Sky have all been easy. they've been so easy, that even though i might feel like on a normal day these were great accomplishments, today they seem to easy for the amount of time theyve taken up

its 2:34 o'clock

i dont feel bad today. i feel good about things, i feel good about my decisions. i feel good about my relationships, and i feel good about the giant pill i just took to help my headache. im putting on some tea right now, and even though thats not going to help with a headache in the least bit, im trying to take off the five or so pounds ive put on in burrito weight over the last week or two. i figure its better to drink some tea than eat a cookie.




i need some more music. im going to get around to it, probably. im going to sit down some day soon and download a bunch of new things. im going to do lot of things.

ive been thinking about how time means different things to me when im around different people. an hour to myself or a whole day by myself means something different to me than an hour spent with somebody else. even more different are the feelings of the hours passing between the different people. an hour on the phone with k. or an afternoon with ronni is different time than a night out. and when im by myself the time changes, depending on my day and whos been a part of it and what new things i have to look forward to thinking about. i think time passes quickest when im happy, too, which i dont like because it makes bad days pass by slower. all of the minutes i feel like i miss in a happy day build up into a day to spend being sad. a long sad day. i sometimes have to spend some hours on a long bus ride, or a long walk home from school, or a long hour at school, and i can feel the time passing and changes happening but i remember specific times in the day when i looked at the clock and thought about how many hours id spent. i can take myself back. sometimes i can even spend time i dont care about remembering good days, its almost the same when im seeing it and thinking it then as it is the second time around. its not really even nostalgic, its not sad, its just picking to feel that stuff all over again. picking good things. and then i dont have to be sad anymore because im practically doing something else.

mabye sad days are days to think about why i shouldnt be sad, so the next day i feel happy and i dont have to spend one single minute thinking over important thoughts. im getting tired of spending so much time being sad, though, because when i spend that much time thinking and digging deep inside of myself, i get tired of myself and i cant have good days alone. the days after a depressed week are usually spent doing mindless things, listening to music or watching movies, because i need to retreat from thinking.

my cat has two eyelids. there is her regular eyelid like yours and mine, and then she has a secondary eyelid thats very thin and white like pudding skin. its strange to think about how much bulk her eyelid has, with all of it densely covered in fur. sometimes shell be napping strangely and her top eyelid will pull away and youll only see the white stuff. it used to scare me but not anymore. today the first one was open, but the second eyelid was only open a little bit, and it pulls away at the corners of her eyes instead of up, so when they seperated to leave the center of her green eyes open, the white parts were stuck in the corners, and they looked like human eyes. it was wierd. i remember watching a shark show the white of its eyes and it scared me, it looked like a person. something about eyes makes animals scary to me, i dont like the idea of them looking at me.