im just trying to find people to connect with is all. im starving for attention, love and understanding. i cant find it, i cant get it from people who pretend to care more than they do, i cant get what im looking for from any of these 16 17 18 year old highschoolers im around always. im looking for way more than they can offer. all i want is friends, i want people to like me and get me. its annoying. spending so much time by myself really isnt that great. i dont like it anymore. i need more people to understand me and people to confide in but nobody gets it, nobody gets me, im looking for connections and deep relationships and im not going to try doing it on the internet, im not going to defend myself and my feelings anymore either. im tired of feeling threatened. i think im going to take up exersize more, mabye join a gym or start running, i could use the extra endorphins.
either that or im going to become a raging alcoholic.
i went to the swapmeet today, which is the only thng that really takes my mind off things. its my favorite thing in the whole planet. i bought a carfull of fantastic junk, my first muumuu, a nightgown in my favorite color, a little boys sweater vest, lots of gloves in every color, a raccoon skin cap, a giant church hat, shoes, a coat...ohboy. i loved it. everytime that i go is the best time of my whole life, until i go again next weekend. im doing it every other weekend now, just so that i never get tired of it. we went extra early today, about 45 minutes earlier than we usually do, but we stayed even longer than we usually do, too. jens came with us and he got some cool stuff, like sunnies and a walrus and a teeshirt or two.
i love places like these. so much! its the best, people are happy there, too. its such a different mood than the mall, people are outside and spending money on cheap things and theyre with their families and around eachother and eating icecreams, that might have contributed to why i was so happy while i was there.
i liked hanging up my new pictures the best, i like that part of the day, too. it used to overwhelm me but once youre halfway through getting everything in its own spot i feel so filled up and optimistic, like there are still spaces on my walls for new pictures and places in my closet for new clothes and there are so many things and treasures ive just got a hold of and now they belong all together in this little room.there is just so much history in there, so many pretty things to look at and watch and colors and things to laugh at and things to do.
ive been wondering what vintage is going to mean to our kids, like if theyre going to be wearing baggy G-Unit jeans mocking their irony, or glittery lacey tanktops calling them vintage gems. i hope that my prizes become even that more special when 40 years go by, even though i cant imagine them making me much happier than they do now.
im completely infatuated with this new pair of shoesies i bought today- forest green suedecloth with a tiny kitten heel and 3 straps with buttons across the top, and a very pointy toe,indeed. the giant plume i bought at haley knox's garage sale saturday, if you can see it with all of my scarves.
why cant these shoes come to life and talk me out of my blues?