today i made myself my own hummus, now ive used up all of my energy that should be used to try to come up with new ideas.

i told bryan today that i didnt want to talk on the phone,anymore, and im glad that he agreed and wasnt offended. id rather just see him in person. but he'll be working on his room and making it nice and GOOD for the next few days, so i doubt ill see him for a while. which is actually okay,though, because i havent been feeling very good,anyways.


i turned to a failure within days. i cant even feel comfortable asking for the due respect i (guess?) i deserve. i cant think of anything to do. it comes at a time when im just getting back into good shape again, like with weight comes motivation and inspiration to better myself, but when i finally attain my body goal i dont feel as inspired anymore and cant really remember what i was looking for to begin with. im not as smart as i thought i was, and that makes me sad. mabye im just comparing myself to too many people. im lonely, ive been home too much. i dont have anything new happening in my life. nothing new is happening. bryan has adopted a whole new buddhist lifestyle, which im finding hard to keep up with. the only thing anybody can expect from me right now is honesty, that all i can give. i cant give an interesting and intellectual input, because i dont believe in myself. im too confrontational because i cant see a positive in anything,anymore. i dont feel supported in the way id like to feel. everybody expects me to be someone else. i dont know what that means,though. i dont know how true that is. but people are dissapointed in me and i can tell. first comes me, then everybody else, it starts inside, i know. i need something to drive me, the drive to make myself better (i know i know i know, i get the same responses every time!) but i dont have any reasons to, anymore. its sad watching people distance themselves from me because they dont like what im doing, but im doing my best, im loving everybody as much as i ever could. its sad.

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