this mod party will be the death of me.
ive had to reschedule, plan, pay, beg, sew, rip and walk 3 miles just to make this happen, and its not even my party. oh well, atleast im gonna look extra foxy. i reminded myself as i wept by the side of the road today after walking from town in too-small boots that itll be worth it to have toned calves in my jumpsuit.


im going to stop making myself do stuff when i dont want to. this means not forcing myself to sew something when i really feel like sleeping, or forcing myself to call someone i dont want to, or forcing myself to walk an extra mile when im too tired. its encouraging strick behavior and strick schedules that nobody cares about, its not fun. i wake up in the morning and cant even enjoy sleeping in until the alarm clock because i start worrying about what i have to do and when i have to start getting ready. its not good for me, and when i spend any time at all relaxing i feel like im doing something wrong. its really bad for a creative person, its not a creative enviornment at all. im pressuring myself to do these things, but i dont think anybody is waiting up on me so where is this pressure coming from? i think it has alot to do with not working, so i feel like i still need SOME structure in my day or ill just end up slobbing on the couch with a bag of chips and a cigarette hanging out of my mouth- its not me, though. that wont be me, i need to accept and embrace these down-times. i need to sleep, especially. i enjoy dreaming so much, its good for me, and because i can remember all of my dreams and they inspire me the most i think naptimes are hours well spent.

..i think that now, but just wait until tomorrow, itll be the same thing all over again, once i start cuddling in bed with project runway on, ill feel like sleeping and hate myself for it.

i think i need to let out some of my agressions with the world and with people, i think thats whats leading me to believe ive got to set these high standards for my productivity. mabye when i see all of these people around me messing up and bumming me out i try to seperate mysef from them and withdraw from that scene, just to end up bossing myself around. i dont like it.

school tomorrow.

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