in puddles

oh gosh.
i feel terrible.
the worst part about feeling terrible like this is that there are usually not very many people to feel terrible with. stupid liquored up mistakes are easy to talk about, but rarely does talking about them make you feel any better. trying to explain the mistakes you made when you can hardly remember anything about the previous night, except the embarassing parts, is one of the worst feelings. im glad that i dont have anybody to answer to right now, thats nice, i dont actually have to excuse any behavior and literally talk about it, but having to process mistakes like these on your own without anybody to help you through them is hard.

eventually, this guilt will pass and ill be left with a boiled down version of the story, ill know what to say because i will have spent the time making myself feel better about it, making the story more palatable and easy and effortless, but for some reason or another, the one thing that i havent used as an excuse yet is that i was drunk, which i should consider.

this doesnt mean anything to anybody but me. im much more worried about the people ive hurt than any stress ill have to put myself through trying to piece last night together, anything ill have to go through. i need to be more responsible,though, with my own feelings and the feelings of others. sadly, its much much easier to just leave these people and this guilt with them, and move on that way, but thats me and my issues, not theirs. i just need time, im looking forward to having time and days.


ive decided to abandon all of my old guilt, things ive been taught to feel bad about and apologize for, things i have learned to not do, and just go with what feels right. thats the best way to feel better about things, is establish your own set of rules and way of thinking, and youll know whats right and whats wrong in a more personal way. breaking your own set of rules is a little bit harder,though. ive been caught in many situations in the past months when something goes wrong and i look for somebody to blame it on or somebody to use to bounce my own fears and pain off of, and when there isnt anybody life gets much harder. i just have some growing up to do. ive come to all of my own conclusions and ive got good ideas and i can think well and i can fix things, but they need to be practiced. i know how to be a better person for myself and for other people, i just need to apply these concepts, not just once or twice, but mean them and live them.

im not waiting on anybody or anything, im not going to wait for a change of heart in anybody, im not going to wait for apologies that wont ever come. the hard thing is the harder i try to better myself, the more seperate i feel from everybody else.


this is a charm bracelet ive been working on. its big and i like it. i have a compass and binoculars, and a big fat yorkie. im sad,though, last night i lost the binoculars and i found the yorkie only after it had been ripped off in my silly state.

it is supposed to rain today, i really hope it does.

i just want to say, by the way, that im sure it makes people uncomfortable looking at my blog when everybody wants to talk about clothes and that sort of thing, which i love, and it might be a little bit inappropriate. just look at the pictures if you want. i dont want to exclude anybody by talking about my own pressing issues.

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