11/24/10

hey you guys

Im so embarrassed right now and honestly im so tired of humiliating myself with my big mouth. ive always wished i could be a quiet girl and be really mysterious, but thats not who i am. im a loud mouth, i always have been and i probably will stay that way. i cant restrain myself from over-sharing every bit of my day or whats on my mind with whoever i come into contact with, whether it be a classmate, family member or whoever else. in some ways its a good thing because i never have to worry about awkward silences, or not having a lot of common ground with someone, but at the same time its not my job to rescue the situation with an anecdote or joke and i resent how i immediately jump to the chance to keep everyone talking and happy.

ideally, id like to be a super breathy, whispery angel-voiced mystery girl who is full of secrets and is hard to get to know. id like for my life and my thoughts to be little gems that friends and boyfriends have to work to hear. even if that would prevent me from furthering myself in the workplace and put me in a follower-not-leader position for the rest of my life it would be worth it.

its nearly impossible (at least it has been for me) to change your overall approach and attitude. in the end this is the personality thats gotten me to where i am right now, which whether good or bad is the hand ive been dealt. i just tire of the same worries of people's opinions of me and how awful i feel after hanging out with a group and being ashamed of how people must think of me. im really anxious, in general, and im sure my problems are amplified by my paranoia and over-analyzation.

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rarely do i get so personal on my blog anymore, and i try to not put anything out there that someone would find and embarrass me with, but sometimes its the only thing to help me.

this is a little teaser photo of a photoshoot i did on tuedsday, im really excited for the results and ill share the pictures with you eventually.

<3

3 comments:

Bethany Kellen said...

sometimes it's hard not to get personal. you start going and before you realize it, you've said too much.
and people love you just the way you are!

Lizzie, The Vintage Traveler said...

Seriously, I could have written this post. Over the years I've realized that my "behavior" bothered me more than it did others, that friends love you for who you are.

Just this week I apologized to a friend for something I said the day before that haunted me. She just laughed and said she'd thought nothing of it.

We really are hard on ourselves!

Karli said...

I hear you! To be fair though, the quiet ones aren't often considered exciting, dangerous, fun to be around, entertaining, charismatic...Let's celebrate being brazen, open and honest!